TRIGGER WARNING; THIS BLOG CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SUICIDE.
Name: Rochelle
Age: 45
Location: Tauranga
Relationship to the person you have lost: Partner of five years
How long ago did your loved one pass: February 2021
Rochelle's story:
Our new business was getting under way & we had just returned home with our family from our first amazing summer together in our off-grid home, when B received the news that his closest and dearest cousin had died (we could at that time, only guess by suicide).
We returned to the island for B's cousin's tangi.
B’s grief was overwhelming for us all. He couldn’t sleep or function as the onto it, caring, strong man he liked to be for his family.
Returning home for this tangi meant B facing his family who rejected him throughout life and had recently threatened him. B loved his cousin so much, the only person to ever welcome B with open arms was this cousin. B felt compelled to set things straight with his whanau, he spoke of his pain & from his heart, about why these young men were dying by suicide, he owed it to his cousin to do so.
I was proud of him. This was no easy feat.
Back home, B’s grief continued to deepen in ways that do not always look like grief, he experienced anger and paranoia, he wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t coping, but he was trying to keep it together for us. He was too busy for help, he started making errors at work, we had our first major argument which resulted in him leaving, he left everything, our business, our home, us.
He left for his Mum.
I knew in my heart what was happening. He was broken beyond repair and needed support, my pleads to his family were ignored.
I was at our home, hours away, my hands tied with a client and our business to keep running.
After some heart-breaking texts and hearing that he was writing his goodbyes to all on social media, 5 days after he’d left, I finally received a call from him.
B called me and through tears he apologized to me and told me he would always love me, he then hung up. I immediately called his Mum knowing that he was staying with her, she told me he left with a vacuum hose after kissing them all goodbye.
Terrified I called the police, I believe there was no sense of urgency on their behalf. I was getting messages from friends who realized the very real outcome of losing him was close & 24 hours later he was found in his vehicle near his childhood home, by his Mother.
When the Mother of Bs children called my phone, I knew in my heart he was gone.
Friends took me to whakawatea in the moana. I Immersed myself in the moana, I felt safe and as though B was around me telling me its ok, you are safe and loved.
We made our way to Auckland to see and farewell my man, his estranged family rejected me as his partner, blaming me for his death. I was not welcome to be part of any proceedings but fortunately I was surrounded by a korowai of strong wahine who knew our rights. The coroner allowed me to see B. It was beautiful time shared with him, hugging him, crying, joking, and telling him he was an ass. We all felt like he was waiting for me, hoping I would be there for him. It felt like his soul was able to leave peacefully once I’d come to be with him.
Q&A
How did you find the Tangi/service/memorial/funeral, do you think it honored your loved one in a way they would have approved?
None of his family really knew what B wanted. In his suicidal frame of mind, unfortunately B had written on his Facebook page “Bury me next to my Mum” - he definitely didn't want to be taken back to his Paternal urupa. We feared that his Father might take him back, against B's wishes. Those who barely knew the man I’d spent the last 5 years with, were calling the shots. He was taken to a tangi at a person’s home who, for good reason he disliked.
Lockdown happened and weeks later he was finally given a funeral. I didn’t go, I could have gone as I had a huge amount of people ready to support me and B and do what was right by not letting this continual bullying behavior of his family continue. I chose not to go; B and I were connected on the very deepest level & I had already spoken with my medium and to B in his passing. I was at peace with peace. I watched it online; it was hard to watch the funeral director mispronounce Maori words and B’s children’s names. It was so hard to watch and after 5 years together, I did not get a mention.
Did your loved one have a will?
No
Is there anything you believe should have been done differently at the service?
So many things, but most importantly I believe the voices of the closest to B should have been heard. Suicide brings up lots of wounds for many, especially parents. In this case it was what it was.
In no way was B honored for the man he really truly was and his values.
Did your loved one have any final wishes or funeral plans in place?
No he did not really. Which makes this concept "My Will Wishes" even more important to me now, having witnessed this outcome.
How do you think a My Will Wishes booklet or any sort of productive planning on their behalf, would have made your grieving process a little lighter?
In this case at least his voice could have been clearly heard.
How did you cope with your grief at the time?
I was supported by a korowai of strong and incredible manawahine.
I engaged in spiritual healing and counselling.
I organized counselling for our children.
I asked for help and stayed supported by my incredible friends
I allowed myself to take the time to grieve. We also had a building contract that needed to be completed during this time, I asked for help and stayed supported by my incredible friends.
How do you cope with it now?
I never ever thought I would feel life again. I think because I really allowed myself time to grieve and rest that I started to slowly rebuild. The anniversary was really hard. I am grateful for the tools I already had to implement. Now I celebrate him, I celebrate tears, I celebrate his children and we stay open and communicate our feelings, memories, and frustration.
For anyone going through a similar loss, what advice would you give?
We are never ever alone. Bereavement by suicide is experienced by a community who have open arms ready to hold space for you, to hear you, to feel you, for us to share with you if that is what you need.
Get counselling, it’s worth it and is free.
Allow others to be there for you because we will be.
How has this loss affected your life and your relationships?
My relationships with my daughters and stepchildren is stronger than ever. My parents and siblings could not cope with all of this and never gave me any support, suicide rocks people and their wounds. I needed to stay strong for my children and could not be there for others, so boundaries had to be put in place for survival.
I have the strongest and most intimate relationship with the korowai of girlfriends.
I do often think I will never experience love again. Who would want to be with someone who has been through this? But I look at my girls & my growth and remember that they are my world and I am strong. I don’t muck around with life now, I live it and boldly.
B wrote "stay strong my babe" & I am stronger than ever.
If you could tell your loved one anything, what would it be?
"I love you one more than anything you say xx"
Suicide crisis helpline, Lifeline Aotearoa 0800 543 354
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